so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
