I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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