it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
