Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
