thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
