Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
