so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
