I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
