It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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