so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
