my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
