the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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