The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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