I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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