i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
This house was built for laser tag.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
