my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
