hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
