i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
