oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
