If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize