he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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