I must be too annoying 4 u.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
