You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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