im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
