so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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