If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
