Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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