I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
