That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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