Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
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