You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
do nipples grow back?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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