i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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