Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
