Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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