I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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