I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
