I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im six kinds of drunk right now
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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