the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
