I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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