i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
