also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize