hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
