I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize