I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
