I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
