too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Two words: blizzard sex
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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