Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
