the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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