just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
