YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
