I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
