you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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