look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
