What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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