he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
