i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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