Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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