I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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