Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
