can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
