sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
