New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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