Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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