it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
