RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
