Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
