my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
