Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize