I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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