this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
