I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
