Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
