Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
