I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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